This is a story about a girl named Britney…
I am somewhat of a Britney Spears expert. If Britney was a wine, I would be a sommelier. If Britney was a subject at a junior college, I would be the professor. I frequently reference her in daily conversations, like “I’m just feeling like this guy is pulling a Sam Lufti on you and you need to be careful” or “Is this messy bun more Piece of Me music video? or Walking into a gas station bathroom barefoot?”. So come along with me as I recount Britney’s rise (and fall and rise) to stardom all from my sick memory of this bitch’s life.
I will never forget the first time I saw … Baby One More Time on TRL after school. Sexy school girls? Groundbreaking. Mothers across the world were up in arms at the sight of a 16 year old girl showing her midriff. You have to understand kids, back in the day, Miley was still in the womb and hadn’t poisoned her mind by licking lead hammers and fornicating with foam fingers. It was a more innocent time.
Baby One More Time hurled Britney into stardom. She started dating her former costar from the Mickey Mouse Club, Justin Timberlake, who also happened to be a pop star and member of *NSYNC. She had the iconic MTV VMA performances, the Pepsi commercials, the music videos, the full on matching denim ensemble with Justin. She even had a Blockbuster smash, Crossroads where she got out of her comfort zone by playing a girl from a small southern town that has a talent for singing. We all hung on Britney’s every move, Britney was the fucking shit in the early 2000’s.
Then, there was the breakup.
After boning a dancer (this will be a reoccurring problem for Brit) who happened to be JT’s bestie, they broke up. The country wept. Imagine the feelings you had learning of Yolanda & David Foster’s divorce and times that by matching outfits and highlights, it was a complete tragedy. How could this happen? Their moms were friends, they were each other’s first loves, they sang alongside Steven Tyler in the mother fucking Super Bowl Halftime show for God’s sake!!!!!!
As the country wept, Brit worked through her break up the only way she knew how. Making more music and Making out with Madonna! Talk about a comeback! (another reoccurring theme in Brit’s life) This bitch bounced back from the breakup with a hit album, probably the most iconic performance EVER, and her bod was kickin’. Things were on the up & up!
Then… Marriages ensued.
You can take the girl out of Kentwood but you can’t take the Kentwood out of the girl, y’all. This bitch goes to Vegas and marries her childhood friend. Obviously, her team of people did damage control ASAP and the marriage was annulled, but come the fuck on, Brit. THEN only a couple months later, she puts out this weird ass reality show that she filmed on a handheld and gets married to a backup dancer (see…dancer, again) named KEVIN FEDERLINE. (Who had just broken up with his pregnant girlfriend.) and went on to have two kids.
We all looked on confused. What was our girl doing? Kevin Federline was grimy and a wanna be Eminem… What did she see in him? What did he want from her? They got married in a fucking living room and the bridal party all wore matching Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Couldn’t she see this wasn’t going to last? But Britney looked happy and we all watched on and couldn’t turn away from this impending trainwreck (and I’m not talking about Kevin’s “hit” PopoZao).
Then shit hit the fan.
Kids, to make a long story short, Britney lost her damn mind. Just Google Sam Lufti. She shaved her head and beat a paparazzi’s car with an umbrella, it was fucking insane. She put out an album called “Blackout” probably because she was blacked out when she made it and opened the VMA’s (again, probably blacked out) with the worst performance of all time. It seemed like we had lost our girl… America’s sweetheart had become the butt of the jokes.
You can’t keep this bitch down, though.
The comeback queen came out with a documentary and spoke candidly about the dark ages and it seemed our Britney was back! She talked openly about her relationships with Justin and Kevin, how she lost her damn mind and was 5150’d, it was some of the most honest moments we had seen from her! She put out Circus, got some extensions, and went back on tour. Slowly, Brit was gaining the trust back from those around her… but not control of her bank account #conservatorship.
Since 2008, Britney had been on a tight PR leash. She was extremely careful in interviews, a little robot-esque. She will never dance in interviews, NEVER gets personal or talks about the past, and is extremely media groomed. It is like she is a fragile little doll and every interviewer just nods their head with a grin as if to say “you can do it, yes, answer the question” like she is a little puppy.
Then someone seemed to have given her full reign of her social media. Bitch has been posting google images of fairies and Ann Geddes babies for the past year and really strange videos of her crying when her dog ate her cheese. We are left to think… what the shit. Is she in on the joke? Has her brain permanently stopped aging past the age of 15? Who is running her social media? We may never know…. mostly because no one is ever brave enough to ask her these questions in interviews.
I personally think this is all a plan. All the weird photo montages set to 90’s music, all the crazy videos, all the awkward non-filtered selfies.
Another documentary? Research? A thesis on Celebrities and their affects on Social Media? Maybe? No? Okay, well I am going to keep on liking and will NEVER quit you Brit.
Despite the shitty hair extensions, failed marriages, numerous #1 hits… I will always stand by Britney and purchase every auto-tuned album her perfect little self creates.